Psychomuse.com

Poetry, 1999

EXPRESSION

My heart wants to burst

Whenever I play you

My soul's overjoyed

With whatever I do

Whether playing another

Or composing my own

My talent may lack

(This I have known)

But those feelings I get

When I look at those keys

And the power there is

When I play on the breeze

Is enough to overcome

All obstacles in sight

And expressing emotion

Does lead me to Light

So, I shall play

Yet one more day

And I will enjoy

What the music will say.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FIRE ONE

January was the last time

That I'd felt I had to write

Some stupid little song

In the middle of the night.

I've decided it's time again

To put down some of my thoughts

While listening to C Fourteen

I'll see if I'm thinking a lot.

Looking through some of my poems

I see recurring ideas

While wondering where some of it came from

I can no longer rhyme, so this sucks.

Let's move on, shall we?

I know it's time to let go

Of the person I'd linked with that one time

But for some reason I just can't do it

--Especially when I see him eight times out of nine.

So often he's on my mind

I don't know why.

At times when I think I see him

It makes me want to cry.

Will the mere chance

Of seeing him again

Forever haunt my mind?

Or shall I get away

Once and for all

And tell myself I'm blind?

Darkness is encroaching on my space

Yet once again, I'm afraid.

How often must I fight this unknown force

To avoid the dagger's blade?

Perhaps this is my way

Of avoiding that doom.

Whenever I'm crazy

I could write until noon

But does it do any good?

I really hope so.

For there is so much knowledge

And this I think I know:

It's getting chilly on both sides

My body and mind are so cold

Sitting on steps and entering this realm

Of which I know is so old

I listen to music and long to retire

Upstairs to my room to fill my desire

To continue my music which is taking me higher

Where my soul is consumed with a furious fire.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SAMANTHA

Curtains billow as the wind blows in

Through the windows; moonlight shines

Onto the wall, and covers the floor

As it has so many times before

Tonight's no different from any night

Except for the thoughts that enter my mind

She stood there looking sadly up at me

She put her hand upon my knee

I tried to ask her who she was

But then she vanished from my sight

A voice, it told me, she was my daughter

And I would someday be her mother.

I had the feeling I knew her name

And quickly the name came into my head

It wasn't Alexis, nor was it Deanna

The brown-haired girl's name was Samantha.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ODE TO HAPPY MAN

Strings enhance the atmosphere

Slowly and deliberately setting the mood

Taking the soul to the clouds and the sky

When slowly a keyboard captures your eye

Then, as you stare, at the blackness of space

A simple guitar runs notes by your face

Another joins in and you feel yourself sway

In the height of it all you hear the bass play.

Then, as your body feels so relaxed

Keyboards appear ever so soft

Words are formed by a beautiful voice

And your body has but no other choice.

You move in time with the music

So peaceful and serene

Listening to his words

And feeling what they mean.

Every time his voice arises

Out of the peaceful bliss

After every note you realize --

It can't get better than this!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COPYCAT

One thrilling day we will find out

What our lives are all about

Were they random or were they foreseen

By some unknown force?

Occupations, Educations,

Interruptions, Cancellations

Are all of these for real?

Is Life a real good deal?

If we could raise our very own garden,

And eat what we have grown,

And resist temptation to steal from neighbors

And the need to say "my own",

What then would life be

So peaceful and serene

Without the irritation or the fuss

What on earth would be done with us?

Would we live until we die

In an entirely happy place

Or would we be bored to death

With the so-called human race?

Okay, so now I'm copying INXS a bit. Doh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JASON

You thought that I was stupid

You thought that you could lie

But my heart said no so fast you see

You had no chance at all with me

Three days is too short a time

To think you're falling in love

I knew right then and there what you were

And I knew right then for sure

That I'd never be yours.

If females are really that stupid

They deserve males like you

But I know so few of them now

I guess you haven't a clue...

Go to Hell.

No wonder I live in a fantasy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE DREAM

Hazy waves of romance

Float upon the air

You come along with them

Blowing in your hair.

Blue and white approach me

Through the dark of night

Shadows cast upon the walls

-Also blue and white.

And then I feel your hands

Caressing my face

Your hair touches my neck

I'm lost in this place.

You bring your lips to mine

I await the bliss

As I feel your breath on my mouth

Just before your kiss.

The room begins to lighten

With the breaking dawn

I feel helpless in your arms

-Like a frightened fawn.

For with the dawning of the day,

Comes loneliness and sorrow.

I know I'll see you in my dreams,

But not until tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE LIGHT WILL WIN

A star so bright in the sky

Shining down upon us

Warning of evil to come

But our souls are flying high.

Trees and fields will disappear

Birds and animals run away

The sky turns dark as the star shines brightly

And in the meantime we are here.

Thoughts are all that will exist there

Amidst terrified eyes

The star that once shined so brilliantly

Which upon it we would stare

Is no more.

The Light will win, but all is lost

As acid rains fall down on the earth

Destroying Life as we know it

But Darkness shall not prevail.

Gazing upon the darkening sky

My faith is renewed yet once again.

The feeling of Love that was born in my heart

Remains in the Soul within.

Music heightens Life's experiences

Even as we observe all that goes on

This new one is an interesting sight

I hope that it's never gone.

>>Won't you tell me more?>>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE OBSERVER

I am but an observer

Stuffed into this world of lies

Watching what goes on around me

And how so many people try

To hide from the Darkness

Which lies within them

Maybe someday they'll face it

But I know not when.

Be aware of this and block it out

Ignore the feelings and what they're about

Forget the meanings of human life

Numbing the pains of the double-edged knife

Play right now, worry in time...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SMOKEY PAST

Driving down the highway

At seventy miles an hour

Stealing sidelong glances

Watching smoke devour

Trees and skies alike

In the middle of the night

There are no signs of life

But beyond the trees there might

Be someone living somewhere

For the smoke before my face

Is giving way to something else;

There might just be another place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PASSIONS

Slight caress, sidelong glance

Music on, you want to dance

Hand in hand, we're on the floor

So very close, which leads to more

Your lips on mine, so gentle yet ablaze

Our eyes are met by the other's soft gaze

Our arms interlocked in a passionate embrace

I feel we are lost in our own special place.

Lights are dimmed as is my smile

Our eyes are locked and all the while

Our bodies touch and I am on fire

And when I think I can't go higher

My mind is lost in the stars of space

Swirling around in some unknown place

But at any rate, you're there

With me flying through the air

Our minds have touched yet once again

Finally, I wonder, Where have you been?

As the night wears slowly on

And the music's almost gone,

I fall asleep in the dark of night

And feel your breath as you hold me tight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

POSSIBLE GOODBYES

I should be quite afraid

But yet I'm really not

Maybe I'm not in love

Or at least, not like I'd thought.

Or maybe so afraid

That I see this as my freedom

From any hurt that may be caused

In a future kingdom.

For if it were to work,

This so-called love we've known,

There would be many obstacles,

And most would be my own.

But if I am to forget,

Ignore what little I feel,

Pretend that nothing's happened,

Say it wasn't real,

Would I be telling the truth?

Or is this "love" indeed a lie?

If he must return,

Will I /want/ to say "goodbye"?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RETROSPECTION

Interesting poetry

That I have been writing

I re-read what I wrote

And find that it's enlightening.

Yet still I am confused

About the feelings that I've had.

At times I think there are none at all,

At others I am sad.

If only I could stop

Changing how I feel

I might just understand

And begin to see what's real.

But instead I'm caught between

Reality and some place

Where anything I feel

Desires to be erased.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FREEFALL

You did not understand

So I finally told you why

You plopped a menthol in your mouth

And told me you would try.

I was amazed by how it hid

The truth I'm waiting to uncover

I don't remember if I dreamt

But I am glad you're my first lover.

For even though I'm strange at times,

And oftentimes don't let you know

You try so hard to understand me

And refuse to let me go.

And when I finally understood

How to tell you what I need

You lay so still my heart could break

As my body's finally freed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TIME TO CRY

There is no time to cry

So my body starts to die

Maybe tears will come today

And maybe they will stay,

But if they stay behind

This mask which I have worn,

My soul and body will separate.

Can I be this torn?

So, therefore, I must

Find a way to cease

Ignoring all my feelings

Or I'll never find my peace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FEELING RECALL

I still don't understand

Why I still remain

In your unknowing arms

When still I feel the pain

Of a growing separation

Between another and myself

I've tried to make myself forget

But instead I've placed him on a shelf

Only to allow him back in my head

When I'd once thought my memories were dead

Yet here he is, on my mind once again

I wish I'd control it, but I never can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LIFE WILL GO ON

I don't want to care, but I do

I didn't want to love, yet I think I've loved you

At times I'm confused about what I feel

And seldom feel secure about what is real.

Yet one thing I know is that I will miss

Your smiling eyes and your tender kiss

The spirit you have lights a fire to mine

This feeling I have was so hard to find.

Cannot imagine what life will be like

Cannot believe that it will feel all right

Without your body next to mine

Without the feeling that I'll never find

But life will go on, it surely will

Before I know it, but not until

My soul and my heart die a little together,

May you be there, in essence, forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FUTURE PATHS

I know not what will become of me

I've no idea what will become of you

I've never cared much for life, you know

And I never dreamed I could care like I do

But now I remember

My life without you

And can't even imagine

What I'm gonna do

When you and I, we say goodbye

To this thing that we have known

May our circumstances change

That we may not be alone

Yet, for now, it seems to be

That our paths will no longer run

Along each other, for a least a while

Though for a time, our paths were one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A BLANK PAGE

Now I stare at a lonely page

Blank with nothing but lines

And I desperately try to calm my thoughts

And think only of our good times,

But all I remember is how empty Life is,

Whenever I'm alone.

I listen to music to help me escape

This lonely place which I call home.

Yet sometimes my thoughts subside enough

To allow my memories though.

And even though we're far apart,

I find my thoughts are all of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COMPLICATIONS

I did not ask for this

But received it anyway

My heart was simply mine

But it's not that way today.

Now things are complicated,

And I don't know how to proceed.

I so often feel my life is on strings,

And it's not up to me whether I can succeed.

So how, then, will my life be?

If I can't be happy and free?

These feelings I have are trying to see

If they can get a hold on me,

And so far they're winning.

But I don't want them to, for I've known

All my life how unstable I am,

And don't want to bring you down.

Perhaps, much to my dismay

As so often in the past

My fate is not in my own mind

For this love of ours just cannot last.

Yet it's not up to me, nor up to you

Whether our or not passion is through

Wherever Life leads us, we must follow,

And with this note, then I shall go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SO NOW IT'S UP TO ME

Well, well, well...

So now it's up to me,

To try to find a damned good way

To say goodbye to thee.

You held me in your arms,

You held me very tight.

Said that you would be there

In the middle of the night.

And I, like a fool, believed

Every word you said

And the Love we never had

Is now so very dead.

For however I may care

Has nought to do with lies

Like the ones you've told me

So now I say goodbye.

And though right now I feel relieved

I know the day will come

When I'll wish that things were different

But for now I'm glad we're done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHUMANI

Shiny black with a drop of white

Sitting atop a forehead so bright

A fuzzy white chin in the vastness of space

A sweet little vest but you're out of this place.

Try as I might I just can't forget

The cute little temper that I'd always let

Get the better of me, so you'd get your own way

For I always knew that it was only your play.

I had a special connection with you

Which no other friend could ever compare to.

No one knew what you meant to me

Yet somehow I managed to set your soul free.

But since the day when you went away

My heart is restless and I've nothing to say

My soul is empty without your sweet face

But my body is stuck in this darkened place.

So I cry out when I sleep, but all is in vain

Nothing can stop this heart-wrenching pain

I try to think of how happy you are

But even that thought eludes me by far.

I miss you so much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PUPPET

What is this feeling inside of me?

Is it something I dare to know?

How do I acknowledge that I feel what I hate?

How do I cause it to go?

Why does this feeling have to be here?

Why can't it just go away?

It disrupts my life and I want to run

What more do I need to say?

It's a perfect life when you're feeling alright

It's a wonderful life when you're never uptight

It's an excellent life when you're having fun times

It's a quality life when you're feeling real fine

But when the evening comes and your world comes crashing down

And you're feeling like a puppet or some forgotten clown

When you entire being is feeling so rundown

And you entire mind just keeps going round and round...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TO BE RESOLVED

Listening to his music again at work.

My mind is coming back again.

I'm alone yet I'm not,

And it's so nice.

I haven't much to write about

Since my day's been good.

Yet know there's underlying tensions

That need to be resolved...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LIES

I need not turn around

Or even say goodbye

For everything we had

Was nothing but a lie.

At times I still remember

All the words we shared

But now I know for sure

You never even cared.

For I was but a toy

And you were that to me

We never were sincere;

We were not meant to be.

So though I hated you for your lies,

I know I told some, too.

How can I say that you are to blame

When it wasn't just up to you?

Therefore, I left, and try not to look back

Attempt to go on with my life.

I'm very aware that this is not easy

But I am so glad that I'm not your wife.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Music continued to run deeply through my poetry here. I also saw my future husband, reflected in “The Dream” and a little girl I thought would be my daughter. At the time, I was friends with a girl who seemed to amplify these feelings and visions which I had on occasion anyway. There were lots more of them that year.

I don’t miss the myriad of visions I used to have... the occasional one will probably always get through, but they were particularly prevalent during the late 90’s.

In addition to writing about what I’d seen in my head, I also had further reflections about my life, trying to cope with many obstacles from my past. In the middle of the year, I also began dating someone, my first so-called “love” although I had experienced unrequited love prior to this, something that continued to run through my poetry for years.

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